(Day 25-before-31) Somebody once told me...

I feel like I am on an alternating day schedule.
One fun, lighthearted post = One heavy, less fun post.
The workings of my frenetic mind I suppose.  Either way, today is one of those potential over-share posts. Just be ready for that.

::Day 25::

Something someone told me about myself that I'll never forget

I was told once that I have the type of personality that,  "can change the feeling in a room.  Kelly, you need to work on making sure that you are feeling good, both about yourself and in your conversations with those around you. If you are not careful, you can potentially drag people down to your level...to a place that they perhaps don't need to be in with you."

Whoa! Pressure much?  However, this was such a poignant moment in self-realization for me, that I remember the date. It was in August 2008. I was in a rehabilitation center for anorexia. 

This post has been a long time coming.  I suppose right now, as I am writing about everything else in life, why not talk about it?  My friend Bree just did.  She is inspiring.  I think the only reason I never have in this space is that I worry it makes others uncomfortable.  But lately, I am seeing more clearly how normalized eating disorders are becoming all over the place...it's really kind of a prevalent cultural norm.  To me, that just means we need to change the culture, not fight the disorders individually. But, per usual, I digress.

Back to the conversation that got all of this started. 

From about July - October 2008 I was in a rehabilitation facility. UCSD to be precise. I was also, typically of me, acting out. That's right, I was a 25-year-old woman crying over the fact that I had to eat breakfast. Wanna talk about lows? There's mine. Except that in the moment I didn't realize the ridiculousness of my situation since there were seven other women and men, girls and boys of various ages all around me having the exact. same. reactions.

With all of the anger and sadness and frustration and push-back, I didn't think to step outside of my selfish self and stop trying to negatively rally the troops.  Why not be the one that gets done with a crappy situation instead of helping others sit in their own misery right next to me? Why not be the one that can be successful at this treatment thing?

So, it was a lunch hour in August 2008 when a gal named Lisa pulled me aside.  She wasn't a therapist, or nutritionist, or any of the other myriad of personnel we would be subjected to see on any given day.  Nope, she was the little lady that brought our food to us. She was the one who painstakingly went shopping every single day to get each of us the specific things we preferred or wanted.  She had noticed. Noticed that I was being a brat. Noticed that we all didn't have to keep on being sick to maintain some totally unreal (and mostly imagined) standard of beauty. She must have felt a burning need to take me aside and make this one comment.  Well, she made the comment I needed, both at that moment in life and to this day.

Before I wrap it up, but I feel like I need to share a few more knowledge points. 

These thoughts have been so heavy on my mind lately for various reasons. I would not want to leave this topic without some additional information.

Eating disorders are not about food. Nope, they are about pressure and anxiety and sometimes even a touch of depression. They are the way that a person finds their control in what they feel as an out-of-control situation - whether real or imagined. They are also biological and biochemically based (as research is slowly revealing to us).

Eating disorders can become manageable. It takes time and effort and love. So much love. But it's completely possible.

Eating disorders are NOT YOUR FAULT. Capitalized. They are not the fault of friends, family, or even the one suffering from these behaviors.  Often family members will feel like they did something to the person who is entrenched in their disorder. Nothing could be further from the truth. I cannot express the love that I have for my husband, who not only fielded all the concerns of others without ever projecting them on me, but who also never internalized my issues as either his or mine. Not sure how I got so lucky, but I am sure glad that I did!

Please find me if you have any questions or would like information on eating disorders. My favorite resource for information is the National Eating Disorders Association website. Such a wealth of information there.

**Note** Apologies for the paucity of pictures. Nothing felt right, and I am actually not inclined to show pictures from when I was sick. They are no fun for anyone. So if I find something that pertains later, perhaps I will add that. For now, unfortunately, it's just all the words.